Friday, September 22, 2006


(Yawn). Another day, another entry. It's autumn already you little ass punks. Yea, I'm getting old (I'm 99 turning 100 soon!), so don't forget to mark your calendars. This Thanksgiving, gamers will have lots to be thankful for. They have Wii and PS3 to hold them off til Xmas and then they can all just play some nice seXBox - oops, I mean't XBox 360 games that are starting like Gears of Wars. Maybe even squeeze in a game of LocoRoco on the PSP and probably hit some of the "touching" games on the DS. Yea, it's a great holiday season to be a gamer. That is until, you all find out that Nintendo packaged in real wees into their consoles instead of the Wii and you all realize that your PS3s smell awfully gross and have this filthy white secretion on them.

Just leaked yesterday, were images of Sony PS3 manufacturing employees sexually abusing everyone's PS3s. What you think is NEW inside your PS3 box, might not be so NEW afterall. Check these out. Know what they're doing? I've dubbed these sinful people, PS3turbators. Yep. The images show all the proof one could ever need on why their PS3s aren't so shiny, and are more "sticky".

Never missing the opportunity to embarrass Sony and their lagging handheld console. Here's the original prototype PSP sony released at e3 2004. Fishies on da screen. Where did da fishies go Sony? What did you do to the poor fishies? I want to know where they went! Anyways, all I want to say to Sony is IN YOUR UGLY FACE. Why? Everyone laughed at the Nintendo DS when it's prototype was shown and Sony seems to have forgotten their original proto was fugly too. Meanwhile, the NDS was redesigned and then redesigned again. And now look who's sexier. Eat it your sexiness Sony. EAT IT!

Sony's decided to stop intentionally putting Disc Read Errors and other bugs into their PS3s because they secretly have had their workers do the nasty for fifteen minutes with each and every 500,000 consoles they've made and plan to launch with. Get them while the fishies are still fresh. Now that I think about it, that's where the PSP fishies went. They went out of the PS3turbators onto future PS3 owners. Euro chaps, take note of this, you might be glad your PS3 launch is delayed now hmmm?

Nintendo DS, a wonderful system it is. Just needs to stop giving us shit we don't want. In a way, it's trying to be everything the PSP is and it's sucking huge elephant ass by doing so.

Europe is set to get an MP3 player feature that plugs into the DS's GBA cart. Well, here's what I think I'll do, and what many other people will say:

Sure seems like Euro get's all the crap no one wants. Like Talkman for the PSP. Man, was that stupid.

Then we have Tingle, who if anyone has played Zelda, knows is a walking, talking fruitcake. EGM rated him in the latest issue as the gayest videogame character ever. And I think that's fair game, but when I saw the picture of King of Cosmos from Katamari Damacy (note: I've never played this game, because it looks so stupid) I couldn't help but think he was gayer than tingle. But Tingle's goal of being a fairy is damned queer and the fact that he's 34 doesn't add to his cause.

Now, there may be those of you who think I'm so sort of homophobe, but I'm not. In fact I happen to have a gay friend, but he's more "Will Truman-gay" (Will and Grace) than say "Jack McFarlane-gay" (Will and Grace). And I have no problem, as long as gay guys don't act like girls. That bit annoys me. Why not get a sex change and be a girl then?

I got off topic a bit, so let's get back on track. Thanks to everyone who loves my blog. To all my Pojo board fans and followers, thanks mucho. I only wish you'd all get accounts and comment me or something. Give me ideas etc.

As for why I chose Jessica Simpson's annoying song for the video (which you can now see below, it's also on, it's because I hate her so much and I want it to annoy the living breathing hell out of you all while watching it. Really. To annoy you all with a ditzy whore who enjoys having her father produce music videos for her that involve her wearing a thin bikini slathering soap all over a car. Thanks Papa Simpson, we enjoyed your daughter just as much as you do. You little sick freak. Any girl would agree they wouldn't want their father seeing them like that. Even a ho-bag like Britney Spears would agree.

I know you all may not like what I say, and may think I'm just a little too hard on the celebs and Sony and everything basically, but I tell it like it is. Nothing special to it, but the brutal honest truth.

Enjoy your weekend breath of Autumn, and I'll cya next week to bring you another episode of Sling Blades Pile of Crap. Thanks everybody, and good night!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

An Apple a Day Will Rob Your Money Away!

An apple a day will rob your money away as the saying goes. Yes it appears the slogan's been updated. I'm going to hold off on bashing the pink PSP for just sec. I know I should rename the blog to "" right? The topic at hand today is iPod. Some may have noticed I dropped quite a few F bombs in the last post. I think it was completely necessary. After having said that, let's drop some more F bombs if necessary today shall we?

Before anyone goes to cry and say I'm a satanist and that I hate everything, I refer you to what the ESRB has rated this site and it's content (look above at rating). Okay, first order of business.

Apple I'm sure most of you all know dropped major iPod bombs on Tuesday and I was going to put this post up on Wednesday, but I decided to hold off til Friday, because I know most of the readers who come here are just lazy ass bastards (except those I know) who just want me to whip up a recap video of all the funny photoshopped pictures. And this is what I have to say to that: I'm working on it. I swear I am. It'll come when it's good and ready. I just need to accumulate enough crap to compile first. I know you hate reading, and "moving pictures" is the future, but just be patient. Open a bag of Lays and munch for a bit, if you're done doing that, pop a can of Pringles, order some Pizza Hut, Dominoes, or whatever you prefer, maybe some Chinese or make a sub sandwich.

Right, back to the iPod news. Right. So the iPod Shuffle has gotten an upgrade and now it's half the size and 10000x easier for someone to steal off you if it's clipped onto your shirt or pants or wherever and it's 100000000000x more easier to lose when that headphone jack is yanked out. Oh Yea! Joy! I always did think the shuffle was iPods most retarded mp3 player anyway. Now I'm reconfirmed it. It is indeed retarded.

iPod Nano gets a makeover and turns back into the ugly fucktard it was originated from: the iPod Mini. Gosh I hate the new look. Theres no appeal and "cool" factor other than the fact of "colors" in which only the most bitchiest and ditziest of girls would buy the pink nano. Ex) Paris Hilton, Hillary Duff, Ashlee Simpson, Jessica Simpson, Lindsey Loham, all of whom I wish would do us all a favor and stop singing forever and maybe go hide in the same cave as Osama so we'd only have to hear about them 1x a year in grainy videos leaked out to news stations.

iPod video or just the "iPod" gets a brighter backscreen light - 60% brighter! Apple was holding out on us all along, really how much brighter can it get before you go blind staring at it? And longer battery! Whoop-dee doo. By the time the iPod battery dies, everyone will have gotten the next iPod. It plays movies that can be bought from the little fruity itunes movie store. Exciting right? disney movies! yay!! Now I can watch Cinderella on the go!! Sweetness! And finally they play shitty games now! Now, I'm not saying Tetris, Pac-man and Bejeweled are crappy, because Tetris owns every videogame ever (not the DS one, classic). But games like Zuma and Texas Hold'em suck dick and should be loaded into a truck and dumped into a desert like thse E.T carts for the atari 2600. All games are optimzied and designed for the iPod click wheel. Apple, have you looked at how many buttons are on the iPod lately? Not too many, dumbass.

Apple changed the design for the iPod headphones and man they look fuglier than the original. The new nanos should be called mini. Apple if they were smart could have had the iPod, shuffle, nano AND mini to offer consumers. The new nanos are $50 cheaper than the old nanos. The old was $149 for 1gb and $199 for 2gb. The new ones look like a hobo crapped them out and they cost less? $149 for 2gb. Way to screw over people who just bought a nano on MONDAY or even TUESDAY MORNING.

***WARNING*** I don't own an iPod or will ever own one. But if Apple would like to possibly "change" my mind by sending me a complimentary iPod then I would be tempted to possibly change my view and join the legion of the iPod cult. *nudge nudge* Apple send an iPod this way *nudge *nudge*

Or if anyone would like to send me one, I would be happy to try it out and perhaps change my mind.

Now, that all my "ihateapple" stuff is done, back to the PSP. Gosh I hate this fucker. Sony officially announced a $249.99 entertainment pack for the PSP on Wednesday. The pack includes a Lords of Dogtown UMD movie (never watched it, but title seems stupid), ATV Off Road Quad Fury game ($20 value) and a 1GB Memory stick (shit, 1 gb? fuck you Sony for only giving us a shitty 32mb one with the original value pack). All that for $250. Sony, you really fucked all the "core" owners. I hate you for doing this to me and making me feel ripped off and also for never offering the WHITE psp in America. America sucks when it comes to getting limited edition sony crap. See Europe? Sony fucked us over too, so shut your yap about the PS3 delay because you know it's gonna be garbage too.

I'm exhausted from typing this. Wait I haven't even gotten to the PINK PSP yet. I think I'll just leave a picture to express what I know you all are thinking already:

Oh and this is stupid, Sony and Puma teamed up to sell this piece of trash:

And finally, because it's so frickin cool. LEGO BATMAN!

Filler CRAP!

Friday, September 08, 2006

Super Obnoxious Nutty Yaks?

Okay, no doubt. I wrote some blogs, but I think I'm gonna come back and post those later.

The issue at hand now is Ridge Racer! Riiiiiddgee Racerr - as Kaz Hirai put it at e3 2006. No, no the issue is not that. The issue here is the "PSP is the walkman of the 21st century" as Ken Kutaragi put it. No, I'm terribly sorry, that's not the issue at hand either. The issue at hand is the Blu-Ray diode, no that's not what I really care about. I do feel sorry for the Euro folks, because Sony just royally fucked you guys over. Oh and also you "other" PAL area dudes....

I'm not a fan of the PS2 or the PS3 or for the matter anything PlayStation. I also hate Xbox and Xbox 360, so who's left for me? Well, I hate PC games and I hate Nintendo's shitty GameCube and it's shitty name for it's next console. Note that the Wii name sucks ass but the machine is better. Whatever, I'm gonna keep calling it "Revolution" and when I do get one, I will cross off Wii on the remote and the console and replace it with REV written with a permanent Sharpie marker.

Aside from the delay of the PS3 to March 2007 in Europe, what about the shortages? 400,000 units for America and 100,000 for Japan. Fuck you Sony. Not that I would ever buy a PS3, but I always knew you were all bullshit. Nothing but hot air
to hype everyone up.

The PS3 has been stripped and stripped and now it's almost a piece of nothing. I'm 95% sure that the 500,000 units that actually ship, there will be tons of defective Blu-Ray drives. Why? The shortage of BR diodes and the fact that Sony doesn't
know what the fuck they're doing this time around. And who wants to play with a controller without rumble anyways? "Move the controller to pilot a plane" Why the fuck would I wanna do that when I can just move the analog stick? Retards.

Sony announced that HDMI cables (in order for TRUE HD to be viewed) would not be packed in with the PS3. Well, fuck you again Sony. That's just stupid. Then what's the point of telling everyone that 1080p (highest HD resolution) will be what
separates the PS3 from the 360 when a) most people don't own HDTVs that can output 1080p or even 1080i and b) most of your games are in 720p - the same as 360 games? True HD my ass. You're telling consumers that they are responsible for TRUE HD
when you've been feeding us all this crap about the PS3 ushering in TRUE HD. You fucktards.

The PS3 shape has always been ugly. I'll tell ya what Kutaragi, the PS3 definitely isn't the "most beautiful thing in the world" and I'll tell you another thing, the PSP, also not the most beautiful thing in the world. I know a few things that
could easily beat the PSP in looks. How about.....a sexy girl? Hmm? Never factored in the competition eh Kutaragi? Looks like you've lost your way my brotha, and I won't help you find the right one. Especially cause the right way is Nintendo who's
gonna kick everyone's ass this time around. The DS is beating the living shit outta the PSP in sales, and all the PSP can dish out is a crapass 1.3 megapixel camera? Dude, there are Sony Ericcson PHONES with higher megapixels than that piece of crap.
And that GPS unit? Who the fuck is really gonna buy that shit? Even if you could play Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops with it. Like I played Metal Gear Ac!d 2 with that dumb "vision eye"? Shit no.

Sony released a LocationFree TV tower thingymobob just a few days ago. Look at it. That is how the PS3 should have been designed to look like. Not that huge waffle iron. IT's reminscent of the PS2, but it has that nice "glossy" look to it and looks extremely sleek.

"This is Living" campaign that was advertised in Europe and hit YouTube shortly showed that Sony's marketing is clearly being run by monkeys. "This is Living?" That has got to be the worst slogan ever. Worse than "Jump In" for the 360. I'd give you more props even if you completely copied the 360's water balloon fight commercial and instead of saying xbox 360 on it, slapped on PS3.

Then we have the case of Sony and their retarded French PS2 ads. Dude, you can use sex, but a guy sniffing panties (which are supposed to represent "triangle, circle, x and square") was just retarded. As if that was the bad news. They also had this retarded ad with body parts sticking everywhere and nipples fleshed out. When did they let nipple shots out for ads? I'd understand if Sony was going to advertise for their new Porn cameras or something, but for the PS2? What the fuck do nipples have anything to do with the PS2?

The Pink PSP to be released in Europe. Dude, I don't think anyone wants to buy a PINK PSP. The idea of playing with a PSP with ongoing watchers on the train is viewed with the idea that the PSP is a snazzy high-tech device that plays games. The black and white models help promote this "gadget" like feel. Adding that ugly HOT Pink PSP model is a terrible idea. If you were going to make a pink, at least you could have made it in a shade that didn't let everyone know you were a big airhead a la Paris Hilton. See this Nintendo DS Lite's pink shade? It's soft and looks appealing. It doesn't hurt anyone's eyes from a mile away!!

What the PSP needs is some direction. Whoever is running the PlayStation HQs is running it into the ground. The PSP mic? That was a bust. You'd be stupid to pay $30 for the headset just for Socom. And the ONLINE wi-fi which they retardedly named "infrastructure mode" lacks major support from Sony and 3rd parties. When your biggest "hit" is LocoRoco, a game about a bunch of bouncing blobs, then I think we know who is "kiddy and doesn't have mature games".

One of my favorite complaints about the PSP is that it lacks great demos like the DS. Sony doesn't want to give you these goodies. UMDs also are too expensive. Look at what Warner Brothers did in Japan. They lowered UMD movie sales to about $8.50 USD and badaboom, UMD movie sales actually increased 10x (that's a real estimation not exaggeration). The PSP also has too many ports whether it's from PS2 to PSP or PSP to PSP like GTA: LCS. Sony isn't showing any love for the PSP and it's not giving incentive for any PSP owner to not sell their worthless system and buy a shiny white DS Lite. I don't even think that PS1 games that are scheduled to hit the PSP in November will save it. Do we really want to play 10 yr old games like Ridge Racer and Gran Turismo from the PS1 on our PSPs?

No one's buying any games for the PSP. Hell, I'm only buying the Greatest Hits games. Have another fuck you Sony.

Friday, September 01, 2006

super sexy.............yea, the title has nothing to do with the post...just read it

I haven't blogged in ages. But here's what I really have to get out. The world is going crazy. Videogame companies are going crazy. People
are turning dumb. What happened to the good old days when people wanted to ride Kawasaki motorcycles? Harleys...and BMWs motos? It seems these days
people are all about spazzing out by geeking out.

Look at these:

A PSP Vespa! Now, shouldn't Sony be concentrating more on selling their SYSTEMS instead of slapping PSP on their lame PlayStation Signature Series?
Where is Sony's priorities? Clearly, on selling you a Vespa with a PSP logo on it.

Check this out as well.

Some loser had so much time, he pimped his scooter to be like Pikachu. Like we don't have enough Pika vehicles floating around...Volkswagon Beetle anyone? This one's not official from Nintendo, but come on...

And yesterday, I found this. An official Konami Frogger scooter...

They are butt fugly.

Anyone who wastes money on this garbage deserves a swift kick in his/her ass.

Moving on to more important issues...let's talk more about the PSP. It seems to be topic everyone loves.

So everyone knows that the PSP now has some "Greatest Hits" titles...

To name a few:

-Ape Escape
-Wipeout Pure
-Midnight Club 3 Dub Edition
-Hot Shots Golf
-Tony Hawk
-Untold Legends
-Star Wars Battlefront 2
-Twisted Metal
-and some other shit

Anyway, where the fuck is Ridge Racer? It's listed on the PSP official website and shows a pic. Ridge Racer should have been in the first wave of Greatest Hits.

No doubt, this is a good direction. I bought Midnight Club 3. I plan to go and get Tony Hawk and the when Ridge Racer is out get that.

I've downloaded all the PSP demos I could get. Japanese Sudoku, all of that crap. Sony Japan's demos, America, and Euros demos. I got them all. I got more demos than games.

$20 per game is pretty good. I just hate the load times in Midnight Club 3. Up to 30 secs of loading. Shit, I spend more time in the garage pimping my car with useless decals and shit than racing.

Now if we could only get GTA: Liberty City Stories for $20 and I'd be set. Portable gta, cause we all know gta advance for the gba kinda sucked ass.

I can't believe I said something positive about the shitty PSP.

I'm looking at magazines on a rack at Borders Books. I see this magazine called "PURE PSP MAGAZINE". It was only $5, so I pick it up. Well, i picked it up cause it said it has some sweet kickass pirates of the caribbean: dead mans chest skin inside for your psp.
I open it up, and I'm all excited about putting a skin to quickly make my PSP look retarded for all to see, and when I put it all on. Somehow, it doesn't seem to scream, KICKASS to me. I mean, sure, the skin is cheap ass sticky shit which is always a plus when buying skins to dress your consoles up in, something wasn't right.
Sure it's always nice to look at jack sparrows sexy mr. wonka face, what made me sad was they put keira nightley on the back. what made me even more sad was they had to put bloom's ugly mug behind her might hottness. But then again, i'm just a person who is totally in love with keira nightley. Damn, wtf am i saying, this is the best
PSP skin ever, even if nightley is on the back. at least my fingers get to rub against her smooth face when i'm gaming right?

That's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow your sexiness

Elizabeth Swann - "Thank you for all your pleasant touchings Monsieur Blade"

Awwww, the PSP isn't a piece of shit after all. Hatsumi here showed the world that the PSP is a babe magnet. Now, everyone go and see if you have a girlfriend who is willing to lick the side of your PSP for you. Nothing's hotter than a girl licking the crap outta shiny plastic. I don't even think sex could top it. PSP LICKING! Yea!!!

Hurray for licking. If it weren't for her licking, I would have had to post a picture of Ken Kutaragi or Kaz Hirai licking it, and boy that would have been ugly

ok. that's it for today. go! run, lick your PSP! NOW! DO IT. DO IT NOW!